An irreverent dirty laundry list of the good, the bad, and the very very, oh so bad.
Hello 2011. We’re off to a great start.
As if.
I went to meet up with an ex tonight in hopes of getting a quick booty fix. Instead, I got hit by a transvestite while parking my car and now by bumper is hanging off. My ex showed up and told me he’s got a girlfriend and I ended up paying for my own drinks. I sure got rear-ended tonight but it wasn’t quite what I had in mind! Oh, serenity now, serenity now…
Stressing out in my inflatable pool that I looked chubby in my bikini. I think I was two years old.
How To Spend Your Newly Acquired Funemployment Check
1. Go to the Grove Shopping Mall at 2pm on a Tuesday when you would expect everyone else to be at work only to discover that no one in LA has a job.
2. Look half-heartedly at the sale rack in the Gap. Feign an allergy to synthetic fabric.
3.Sashay into Nordstrom’s and try on a pair of $700 Miu Miu black suede platform stilettos that fit you like Cinderella’s glass slippers.
4. Call an unemployed stylist friend for emotional support who tells you the shoes will never go out of style and deems them “an investment” more worthy than making rent.
5. Convince yourself buying the shoes will motivate you to find a job and a husband who will pay your rent.
6. Act totally shocked when the sales girl tells you your card is declined.
7. Call bank and transfer money from Savings to Impulse Spending.
8. Take newly acquired irrational footwear purchase home, briefly consider taking shoes back, then put them on and walk the dog to prevent any such stupidity.
9. Throw on a TBD (tiny black dress), proactively head to a bar in search of aforementioned husband. When no one offers to buy you a drink, ask yourself, “Why are people looking at my face and not my feet!? The shoes are fabulous, damnit!!”
10. Spend remaining $100 from funemployment check on four overpriced martinis. Ask for extra olives because you can no longer afford to eat. Wonder why the 1/2 foot tall heels are suddenly so damn wobbly to stand up in. Decide the best way to end the night is passing out fully clothed, wearing the Miu Miu’s in bed, bien sur.
